An Old Draft?

It's silly how people build up their own set, plot the story as how they see it will met up with their ego best. Putting people here and there as this and that so that the story will be dramatic enough to color their life, so that the "Finally" they're pursuing after will look beautiful and, I don't know, maybe good enough?

Okay. Enjoy your happy ending, be thankful for it, whatever. But you know what? How you tell your story all over town is not okay. Don't you feel it? Your lines are an insult. It's like crying "Oh no my ass is so biggg~," in front of someone who weigh twice--or maybe thrice--you do, except it's far much worse. Stop creating twists for your own satisfaction, if you only wanna be one of The Goods then don't even bother starting a story.

And no, don't ever, ever, ever again say that you've tried these shoes. It's an even bigger insult.

The Smoke You Caught By Hand

"I can't feel my past, they're surreal to me. They're like these moments attached to my brain but my heart didn't really remember living. Like a sound clip or a filmstrip, flashes of movies in a digital player without a remote control."

Shot by sachyn@sxc.hu

A Long Sigh

You see, life is like the biggest joker ever, a bad one, if one might add. It gives you unexpected turns, sudden rush of motions, and stupid surprises. Life is like this fuckin smarty-ass, which actually knows everything but picks smiling instead of telling, simply cause it wants to see you dropping your jaw once you end up with a dead end. As a friend, life kinda sucks. Yes, it dances with you when you're happy, but it doesn't give even the slightest crap when things turn upside down.
Life is a huge bully, you have to go with its rules, no options, no buts.

By the way this is estrogen typing. Over and out.

The Scattered iTunes Library

Yang namanya minta maaf itu harusnya dibarengin sama keinginan untuk membuat keadaan lebih baik. You don't go around telling people "I just burned your house down, sorry. Why, you ask? Well just because I want to." right? It's pointless, it's asking the other person to put up with what you're doing without considering the fact whether he/she wants to or not. It's selfish. If that's the case, save your words for yourself, cause deep down inside you actually ignore what that other person feels, and in the end it doesn't really matter for you whether the answer to that "Sorry" is a yes or a no. Go ahead, be selfish, but just please stop putting that mask to make yourself feel better. I won't buy it.

A Bouquet of Anemone

I'm emotionally tired these days. Trapped in a situation but too scared to take a step forward and make things up. A situation I might not explain in public cause I pity myself too much for having it I'm embarrassed. Something I can't share even with people that understand me the most.

I try to be busy, try to loosen my mind off by focusing on other subject. But really, I got to admit that this sucks. I'm not good at not being emotional, I'm not good at not over-thinking stuffs, I'm not good at bearing pain... I really feel like crying, I just realised how lonely I actually am.

...And I'm sad that I just found out how wonderful MJ's voice is after he's gone.

Shot by Rachmat Lianda

I Don't Get You

Don't love too much you'll end up hurting. People say that, same thing as don't hope too high, it will feel worse when you got to fall. But is it really so? To me they sound like a person who's afraid of taking chances, a person who likes to play it safe.

Maybe people tell you that cause they care about you, so you won't get hurt.
But is it really the only point? Not getting hurt?

I hate you, you're not fair. How could you? Now suddenly you build up a tall huge wall, a wall that has never been there before as far as I'm concerned--and I'm always concerned.

I could never act the same, ever again.

...How could you? (sob)

Things That Frustrate Me

1. My boyfriend hardly want to talk to me and suddenly I barely want to do anything.
2. I have to get up at 6 tomorrow, I don't think I can do that.
3. I ran out of cash.
4. These stuffs about being 12th grader make my stomach sick. I don't want to think about it, yet I have to.
5. School assignments drive me nuts, there are tons of homeworks to be done, physics of remedy test to come, some TF to take, yet I almost know nothing about this term subject focuses.
6. I haven't done any layout for The Yearbook, the article and material aren't even complete yet, had to wait for them and the deadline is 1st of May. How can I just wait?
7. I said yes to a responsibility I'm not sure I can handle.
8. School's coming in two days.
9. I want to hang out with my boyfriend. I've been waiting for this the whole day but I piss him off and he called the event off. I don't blame him, I'm just upset.
   
10. I'm sorry

Please Stab Me With Something

Today. Sucks. Like. So. Bad
Fuck you it's April's Fool, why can't I have some fun?

It turned out that my hard heart had turned a friend into tears. Yeah I made my friend cry. But I mean hello, I could cry out of chafe yesterday if I wasn't good enough at controlling those damned water, has anyone told you? I was sorry to see her cry AND FUCK I FELT GUILT, but as always these two voices inside kept on contradict each other and one of them kept on screaming something like "Now why should I feel guiltyyyy?"

And there's also this other friend--trying to act as mediator, he kept talking and kept talking and kept talking and I was like "Hey man shut the hell up like you know whether I was prepared to talk about this with her or not," and I did verbalize that to him but his tongue just kept on going on and on and on, God! I'm mad offended already, why make things worse? I mean I know he meant it in a good way, that he wanted to helped both me and my crying friend to solve things out and I did appreciate it but just... don't do it overly, will you?

Ah, I'm sorry for being so abstract here by not plainly telling what actually is going on. Since I'm in such emotion, I know all I write, however I try to soften it up, is gonna be harsh--I can be so cruel at times. I think it's no good, telling people what thing who does in a negative way. And I know I do use profanity words here but at least I'm not saying it to anyone. I fuck my feelings, not anyone.

And for you, you know who you are; I know you're sorry, I know you regret what you did, and now that you've apologise, I accept it. But that just doesn't cut it. I'm pretty disappointed you let other person saying lines you should've said instead of saying it by yourself. Come on girl, where's your guts? If there's one thing that can make things go back to usual, you know it will be your guts.

After that school's first break came. I couldn't wait to see my boyfriend, I emotionally needed to talk to him like so much but all I know was that he was about to took off the first second he arrived at my class. Okay, another emotion crack. Then I asked him what date is it, he said 1st April. Good, he forgot that this meant we've been together for full 14 months now. Again, another emotion crack. He said sorry (once?) and I was still pissed, it's not just about him.

Yet he's the one who made the tiny fun part of this horrible day so...

He cracked up jokes and made me laugh after I tried my best to curve a smile (read:comprehend my ego) Yeah I laughed cause you know what he was like sooo funny even when I'm mad at him but up till now he still says nothing about that month thingy. Is that unimportant? For me it's important. I'll deal with it that he forgot, but if he really says nothing at all till I go to bed, I know I'll be irritated.

When my mom came home at around seven, she asked me about whether I've watered the garden or not. Shit of course I forgot that she asked me to do that this very early morning. Unsincerely I walked to my garden and started the faucet but the water discharge was so dull it's hard to reach far with it. When I tried to go deeper in the garden A FROG APPROACHED ME. Hell why would there be A FROG in my garden?! *^@)&*@-+$*%!!!

Honestly, at the moment until this second I can hear my heart pounding out of anger, hatred, irritation, wrath, whatever, you name it.

God o mighty God, why all these annoying moments had to happen all in a day? I know, things could go far worse but now I'm non-physically so exhausted. I'm so angry I could cry.

Sorry for the Oh-so-long-and-full-of-rant post, please understand that I'm having a horribly rough day. And if you're reading, thank you.

Quandary

nunu_nfl is not the best at forgiving (@Plurk.com, 7:06 PM)

...And now I don't know where to start. Oh my God I'm so dull I even doubt my right to feel something at times!

FYI it's been quite long since the last time I'm really pissed i scream out swears. And that today it happened, i feel somehow losing grip. It's like, somewhere inside i say "I shouldn't be this mad," but my other part of heart can't stop calling names and keeps on refusing to forgive.

I mean, I do want to forgive, to say "It's okay, we're through that," and to smile at the same time, but... I don't knowwww, it's just hard to let go.

It's always like this, I get seriously pissed rather rarely but It's hard for me to forgive and forget once it happens. I'm overly dramatic at times, perhaps. I don't know, I don't think. Eh, what?

Oh whatever.

I Prefer Midterm Test Week

I'm really not in the mood to go back to my usual daily life, which is tomorrow. I feel empty, like having no event to look forward to, like I can't see the finish line, like... well, empty.

Last Saturday I've done my final oral test at my English course, which I've been looking forward to since the first time I applied for the course. Yet oddly I don't really feel happy about this. Uh I mean, it's good to be free every Saturday from now on (hopefully, if I passed the final test) but the thought of losing my class there doesn't really amuse me. Somehow it even made me feel emptier.

I don't know, is it just me being too sentimental or what, whatever but I don't like this kind of feeling. I hope I'll be over this soon

Monday has passed, Yay!

I've finished this weird and personally pointless homework for me given by my civic teacher.

She (the teacher) asked us to write the answer to fifty numbers of essay civic questions in our workbooks.

I mean, I have the exact copy of the answer so why would I need to re-write them down? I won't mind if it's just several lines or so but it costs me five full pages, for Merlin's beard. Try to imagine the shape of my index and middle finger now.

I know, they say that by writing it will help us better at remembering but... It's just not working that way with me, except for science and math since I resolve the problems as I write the answers down.

Anyways I'm done with that so why bother whining (which I already did, d'uh.)

Another news is that my maid quit and got fired at the same time exactly two days ago. It even involved fake tears and illogical schemes, can you picture that? My mom went all mad and the maid got kicked out immediately. So yeah, my house is maidless (whoops new word) at the moment. But everything's fine, though. My mom and I work it out well.

Tomorrow I'll have a looong way to run for my physical education and i'm dread lazy when I think about this. Should I fake a cold or something? Hmmmmmm well.... Let's see by then.

Wish me a delightful Tuesday and have a nice one, you :--)

Science is Sexy

I'm in a condition.
A condition,
Where my brain has gone restless
And the mind drifts anxiously.

I just made a call.
A call,
Which lasted only for several seconds
And left me feeling even worse after I hung up
--A total contrast with the reason why I called.

I've just learned a thing
A thing,
that explains what Deadly means
And why sloth is one of those Seven Deadly Sins.
--Cause it is, deadly

...In my life I've never been driven this mad by some tests.
Oh well, now science has.
Perfect.

jkxcnhjzgnfzh

Sebenarnya, sejak kapan sendiri jadi sesakit ini?
Dulu ini bukan masalah, tidak pernah jadi masalah. Sekarang kalau sendiri malah jadi aneh, membayangkan orang lain tidak kesepian tanpa kehadiran kita--tidak seperti kita yang terus menggali lubang dalam hati yang tiap detik makin dalam tiap orang itu nggak ada. Bikin sedih, ilusi yang diciptakan akal sendiri, padahal yang sakit hati sendiri.

Butuh kehadiran orang lain, bukan prinsip yang selama ini gue pegang. Gue selalu mikir, asal ada diri sendiri semua bisa jadi baik-baik aja. Tapi nggak kan? Itu pikiran munafik, menjadi individualis itu berat, apalagi kalau jiwa penuh iri. Butuh orang lain, makanya manusia punya pasangan? Gue ngga tau, pikiran gue ngga sehebat itu. Cuma tau, butuh, tapi ternyata gila banget rasanya butuh.

I want you to want me, I need you to need me. Mungkin bakal jauh lebih mudah kalau manusia saling butuh secara spesifik. Buang rasa takut, karena kemungkinan jadi lebih pasti. Apa sih yang bisa diharap dari orang lain? Mereka juga hanya manusia kan, tulang yang dibungkus daging dan kulit, organ yang serupa namun akal dan hati yang berbeda, makanya maunya beda, butuhnya beda? Tetep aja ngga tauuu kaaaaaan

Oh enough, I just need you to be around...

Mimpi Buruk

Kalau kubilang butuh,
Apa kau mengerti?
Makna butuh buatku
Jauh lebih dalam dari yang kau kira
Makna butuh buatku
Jangan kau samakan
Dengan milik orang lain
Karena aku tidak sama
Dan tidak akan pernah sama

Tapi biar apapun kau kata
Ironisnya aku tetap butuh,
Butuh kau untuk penuhi butuhku
Kalau kaupun tidak bisa,
Siapa lagi yang mungkin kuharap?

Kosong?

Kalau kuucap kecewa,
Kau marah?
Apa daya sih?
Aku bingung
Mau gila

Siapa yang peduli?

26/10/2008; 9:13 PM
NFL-

Being Emotional

"Woman is very much an emotional creature."

Itu kata buku ilmiah yang gue baca pas kelas sepuluh, disuruh Pak Edi--Guru Bahasa Indonesia. Dan gue setuju sama kalimat itu sejak pertama kali baca, karena dilihat dari tingkah laku men-women pada umumnya aja udah keliatan, yang mana yang lebih cenderung make kepala keteimbang hati dan sebaliknya.

Mengalami ledakan-ledakan emosi, kadang rasanya kayak being completely a teenager. Freak tapi ya iya bener, karena pada saat-saat emosi gue terlalu stabil bukan nggak pernah gue ingin sesuatu untuk metrigger ledakan ringan, but mostly in good ways sih -___-

(taken from here)

Gue adalah orang yang sangat memakai emosi. Emosi gue terlalu beragam, dan gue adalah too much of an idealist dalam memandang bagaimana seharusnya bersikap dengan memakai ataupun menghadapi emosi. Dan secara tidak sadar mungkin gue sudah berasumsi bahwa semua orang juga memakai cara pandang itu, which i have just realised lately, is totally a no.

Tapi gue nggak bisa tegas soal emosi, karena dalam menyampaikannya saja mengalami masalah; gagap, salting, bingung, yang akhirnya berujung pada ketidaksempurnaan, hilangnya satu atau dua atau malah banyak makna dari emosi itu sendiri dan kemudian membuat diri sendiri merasa menyesal. Saying, "Aaah I shouldn't have said anything about this," karena lagi-lagi gagal, tapi begitupun tetap selalu mencoba untuk sharing tiap terjadi konversi drastis terhadap emosi.

Sampe sekarang juga gue heran kenapa susah banget bagi gue untuk mengekspresikan emosi, yang padahal gue tahu kepada siapa gue mencoba mengekspresikannya--orang-orang yang gue tahu pasti akan mendengar.

Mungkin gue takut.
Takut nggak atau salah dimengerti,
Takut pedapat orang lain,
Takut salah dalam beremosi--weird, I know.

Yang kontradiktif dari semua ini, gue mudah melupakan emosi. Mudah diubah mood-nya, mudah diubah pikirannya tentang apa yang wajar ditanggapi dengan emosi mana yang tidak, mudah dibuat merasa bersalah karena beremosi.

Strees gue bisa hilang dengan tindakan yang superduper simpel dan gampang, asal itu tindakan yang benar dari orang yang benar. Dan geram gue juga bisa muncul dengan mudah hanya dengan satu tindakan kecil, kalau menurut sudut pandang idealis gue itu wajar untuk digerami.

Tapi stress dan geram itu lalu mudah juga untuk dikonversi lagi, karena keidealisan gue nggak pernah bersifat atau bernilai mutlak, terlalu banyak cabang dari kemungkinan aksi manusia berkat ke-kompleks-an cara berpikir dan merasa mereka dan nggak jarang cabang satu dengan yang lain hanya memiliki sedikit perbedaan saat efek yang diberikan bisa jadi cukup besar perbedaannya. Tricky, quite tricky.

......Emosi.
Pernah kebayang, gimana hidup tanpa emosi?

2:10 AM

Malem-malem, mau ngga mau, pikiran suka jadi aneh. Entah aneh dalam konteks ngga wajar, ngga seharusnya, atau ngga seperti biasanya.

Ini masalah kalo lagi libur, terutama liburan panjang. Jam tidur ngga pernah atau ngga mungkin bener. Bangun aja udah jam 12, secara normal seengganya dalam 12 jam ke depan bakal terus bangun. Yah mungkin sih tidur, tapi bukan tidur dengan jangka waktu 7 atau 8 jam seperti halnya tidur dari malam sampai pagi. Paling satu jam, itupun ketiduran karena dengerin lagu sambil santai-santai di depan kipas angin.

Kalo malem suasana yang bener-bener sepi, kadang lagu-lagu dengan lirik yang agak-gitu-deh yang ke-play di iTunes. Rumah udah gelap, tapi entah kenapa rasa parno sama hal-hal gaib yang biasanya dirasa malah hilang sampai nanti saat gue mau tidur.

Mikir apa? Apa saja.

Sejak dua minggu yang lalu, gue suka nggak bisa tidur walaupun badan dan hati rasanya udah cape banget. Kenapa? Mikirin nano chromatic dan handphone. Serius gue. Malah pernah sampe kebawa mimpi. Kaaassian banget ya? Lagian nyokap suka jahat gitu sih, nginget-ngingetin padahal gue pernah udah bisa cool down buat beberapa hari. Katanya gue jadi keliatan kaya iPod lah, muka gue mirip handphone lah, gitu deh. Akhirnya keinget lagi deh, ga bisa tidur lagi deh huuuu.

Oh ya beberapa waktu yang lalu pas Mbe main ke rumah, kita nonton video interview Pete Doherty. Masa kata Mbe dia kaya orang idiooooot huaaa(-haha) gue kaget aja dengernya.

Pete Doherty, sober (kanan) dan tidak? (kiri)

Padahal Pete baik lho (??) emang sih dia suka ngerokok dan gue sebel rokok, tapi dia bener-bener musically genius dan sebenernya itulah yang membuat gue kagum. Dan yah emang bukan Mbe doang sih yang berpendapat gitu, coba aja liat videonya di Youtube, entah berapa komen yang bilang dia crackhead atau apalah. Ah Pete, Pete, kenapa sih mesti punya adiksi sama yang begituan? Sayang badan dan otak lo tau -___-

Hmm Mbe, Mbe, nanti Mbe mau ke Kediri pas lebaran. Gue? Gue di Jakarta aja. Iyaaa, jadi ngga ketemu deh sampe lamaaa huhu. Mbe sehat kok, tadi dia ef abis buka puasa. Terus kita smsan tapi gara-gara gue pake Benq-Siemens S88 (minjem bokap) yang kalo sending failed ngga dikasih tau jadi gue nggak ngebales gitu sampe lama. Maaf ya Mbe, aku usahain cepet ganti hp deh biar ga gitu lagi hahaha kamu doain makanya.

Lagi viwawa nih biar pikirannya ga tambah aneh. blogging mah malah memperparah hahaa sudah ya dadaaah yang udah baca ini maaf kalau nggak berguna isinya, dapet pahala kok dengerin orang meracau (iya ya?)

Perhaps

Perhaps it's me making big of unimportant things, me losing my nice prejudices, me taking my prestige to high. Perhaps it's just the mood, the hormones. Perhaps it's you not being sensitive enough to know what i was thinking. Or perhaps it's just... nothing?

But seeing turning-silent you was not pleasant, and staring at the window dwelling on bad thoughts was definitely not on my things-i-would-like-to-do list.

...Do you know what I like about after-schools? Haven't I told you? Perhaps I haven't, but showing you, I did it almost everyday. When I did, did you realize?

Were you just sleepy?
Or tired?
What are you feeling?
What's on your brain?

I'm thinking about you..................................

-____-

bete bete bete bete bete bete bete bete bete bete bete bete bete bete bete bete bete bete bete bete bete bete bete bete bete bete bete bete bete bete bete bete bete bete bete bete bete bete bete bete bete bete bete bete bete bete bete bete bete bete bete bete bete bete bete bete bete bete bete bete bete bete bete bete bete bete bete bete bete bete bete bete bete bete bete bete bete bete bete bete bete bete bete bete

tau ah bete ah kesel pokoknya keseeel siapa yang nyadar udah bikin kesel, would you please stand up? Ayo dong kasian dong nih aaaaaaa

...Hey what do you do when you're pathetically in a bad mood? I used to drink colas, liters of colas. And as weird as it sounds, it heals. But since I got much fatter because of that, i try to stop. So... yeah, i'm looking for the new alternative.

I thought blogging would do. Right, sometimes they do, actually. But not this very moment. I don't know why i get so upset. Even too upset to eat my last slice of bread which smeared with the great-great choco paste. I just want to sit, drink, write, shut. Sleep is not on the list.

I like turning silent. Feels good, moreover if the mind starts to scramble. Like i'm having this queer monologue inside, saying all possibilities regarding the situation. Freak enough to be called a freak? Haha you tell me.

Anjrit for heaven's sake, bener2 ga ngubah mood. Still the same old annoying mood, the same ugly face expression, the same loony bad thoughts.

Help me dong, bete nih zzzzzzzzzz

Xepele 2010

The post title is actually the name of my former class while i were in 10th grade.

What I love the most about the class?

1. They welcome me, no matter how freak I am
2. I learn a lot there, a lot more than just educational stuffs
   
3. I had a lot of fun. And by saying a lot i do mean a lot
4. I met cool people, which now mostly I became close friends with
5. I knew this wonderful, dimpled, sideburned boy through this class; But most of all,
6. I can be me there

It's like all-in-one, you know? I love them, I love that class. They bring me joy spirit zestfulness and whatnot. I know I'm being such a spoiled kid here but who cares, i miss them. I do.

But come to think about my first time there. Pretty much like right now. Yes now, that I'm in the new class of eleventh graders. So then I hope this year will be as wonderful as one i experienced in Xepele. Well, more, if it can possibly be. Amen.

So how's your new classes? Anything you wanna share?

My so-called first first post

I lost count on how much first post I've posted.

So perhaps I'll consider this the first first. For starter, the name is Nunu. I wont write the cliché hey-this-is-my-first-post-here-is-my-biography thing, cause then again, i've lost count on how many first post of that kind i've posted. Yes, you can say I'm bored.

Well why am I creating another blog? I don't know, i just read this blog of my not-so-close friend, it has run for around three years. And what surprises me more is that the friend i've mentioned is actually a boy. A non-organized type of boy, i should stress you. I'm inspired. Perhaps.

Okay let me tell you about my weekend. My weekend sucks.
I just started to be an eleventh grader this month. I don't know, maybe the three-week holiday is too long for a lazy person like me or whatever, but i just find schooling is quite tiring these days. I'm so slothful i hate school so much it hurts. Judge me.

But hell do I have a choice? NO, with caps. So during workdays I still go to school, take notes, studying, exercising and whatnot. It's five days full of moaaaaanss, for Merlin's beard. I cannot wait to see Saturday the very first time i opened my eyes on Monday.

Hey you who read this and happened to share the same feeling, would you please be kind enough to let me know that I'm not the only person who felt this in the whole world? You can use the comment field. Thankyou

So finally, yesterday was Saturday. And today is Sunday.

Why ain't I happy?

CAUSE I DON'T HAVE ANY EFFIN' PARTNER, WHOEVER, TO SHARE MY HEY-I'VE-WAITED-THE-WHOLE-FIVE-WORKDAYS-FOR-
THIS-WEEKEND-TO-COME TIME

It's just sad, you know? So i just stayed up late, drank liters of Cola, get fattened up and whatever. I woke up at half past nine and now is 1:23 PM and i haven't take any bath nor shower yet, for I have no shampoo and conditioner to wash my hair with. And what's worse is that tomorrow's Monday and I have to go to school and wait for weekend. Again.

Thank God Wednesday's free.