I Don't Know Why I Post This

Today I met him at the corridor. I was alone and so was he. We made an eye contact, but I chose to stay silent. After several steps which gradually cut our distance, he greeted me. I didn't know whether he smiled or not, I didn't wear my glasses.

Using a split second as effective as possible, I chose to respond it. As cold as I could. So I just put my hand up, covering half my face from the side. I didn't smile, I didn't say a word. I passed by. And that was pretty much it.

What bothers me is that I can't stop thinking about it. No, not in an I-want-him-back kind of way, not in a omg-my-crush-says-hi-to-me kind of way, not even in a can-we-really-be-friends? kind of way. My thinking is twisted, it's complex, I don't know.

Is this what having a past is? Forgive and forget totally sound like bullshit right now. I've stopped holding on to cliches, they don't work on me. It was stupid how I thought I'd have one of those clean break ups with him, how I tried to remain friends with all the acts and whatnot. I mean, look at what happened.

Really, this is not me caring about what's happening on the other side. I'm worried about me, worried that his stain can't be entirely gone--which is what I'm working on. I want this completely out of me, but see what those stupid seconds do to me.

This is annoying. I want to be done dealing with this. Ass.

An Old Draft?

It's silly how people build up their own set, plot the story as how they see it will met up with their ego best. Putting people here and there as this and that so that the story will be dramatic enough to color their life, so that the "Finally" they're pursuing after will look beautiful and, I don't know, maybe good enough?

Okay. Enjoy your happy ending, be thankful for it, whatever. But you know what? How you tell your story all over town is not okay. Don't you feel it? Your lines are an insult. It's like crying "Oh no my ass is so biggg~," in front of someone who weigh twice--or maybe thrice--you do, except it's far much worse. Stop creating twists for your own satisfaction, if you only wanna be one of The Goods then don't even bother starting a story.

And no, don't ever, ever, ever again say that you've tried these shoes. It's an even bigger insult.

A Long Sigh

You see, life is like the biggest joker ever, a bad one, if one might add. It gives you unexpected turns, sudden rush of motions, and stupid surprises. Life is like this fuckin smarty-ass, which actually knows everything but picks smiling instead of telling, simply cause it wants to see you dropping your jaw once you end up with a dead end. As a friend, life kinda sucks. Yes, it dances with you when you're happy, but it doesn't give even the slightest crap when things turn upside down.
Life is a huge bully, you have to go with its rules, no options, no buts.

By the way this is estrogen typing. Over and out.

The Scattered iTunes Library

Yang namanya minta maaf itu harusnya dibarengin sama keinginan untuk membuat keadaan lebih baik. You don't go around telling people "I just burned your house down, sorry. Why, you ask? Well just because I want to." right? It's pointless, it's asking the other person to put up with what you're doing without considering the fact whether he/she wants to or not. It's selfish. If that's the case, save your words for yourself, cause deep down inside you actually ignore what that other person feels, and in the end it doesn't really matter for you whether the answer to that "Sorry" is a yes or a no. Go ahead, be selfish, but just please stop putting that mask to make yourself feel better. I won't buy it.

A Bouquet of Anemone

I'm emotionally tired these days. Trapped in a situation but too scared to take a step forward and make things up. A situation I might not explain in public cause I pity myself too much for having it I'm embarrassed. Something I can't share even with people that understand me the most.

I try to be busy, try to loosen my mind off by focusing on other subject. But really, I got to admit that this sucks. I'm not good at not being emotional, I'm not good at not over-thinking stuffs, I'm not good at bearing pain... I really feel like crying, I just realised how lonely I actually am.

...And I'm sad that I just found out how wonderful MJ's voice is after he's gone.

Shot by Rachmat Lianda

Oh-My-God

Pete Doherty--Peter Doherty has just released a solo album!

Titled Grace/Wasteland

The Guy

Best Tracks so far : Sweet By and By, Sheepskin Tearaway.
Aaww I'm so excittteeeedddd, brb exploring the super cool twelve new tracks~

"So, give me your surrender...
There are other ways to kill a prey
But then it would never mend you
It's like trying to dry your eyes in a pouring rain"
Sheepskin Tearway/Peter Doherty

I Don't Get You

Don't love too much you'll end up hurting. People say that, same thing as don't hope too high, it will feel worse when you got to fall. But is it really so? To me they sound like a person who's afraid of taking chances, a person who likes to play it safe.

Maybe people tell you that cause they care about you, so you won't get hurt.
But is it really the only point? Not getting hurt?

I hate you, you're not fair. How could you? Now suddenly you build up a tall huge wall, a wall that has never been there before as far as I'm concerned--and I'm always concerned.

I could never act the same, ever again.

...How could you? (sob)

Things That Frustrate Me

1. My boyfriend hardly want to talk to me and suddenly I barely want to do anything.
2. I have to get up at 6 tomorrow, I don't think I can do that.
3. I ran out of cash.
4. These stuffs about being 12th grader make my stomach sick. I don't want to think about it, yet I have to.
5. School assignments drive me nuts, there are tons of homeworks to be done, physics of remedy test to come, some TF to take, yet I almost know nothing about this term subject focuses.
6. I haven't done any layout for The Yearbook, the article and material aren't even complete yet, had to wait for them and the deadline is 1st of May. How can I just wait?
7. I said yes to a responsibility I'm not sure I can handle.
8. School's coming in two days.
9. I want to hang out with my boyfriend. I've been waiting for this the whole day but I piss him off and he called the event off. I don't blame him, I'm just upset.
   
10. I'm sorry

Please Stab Me With Something

Today. Sucks. Like. So. Bad
Fuck you it's April's Fool, why can't I have some fun?

It turned out that my hard heart had turned a friend into tears. Yeah I made my friend cry. But I mean hello, I could cry out of chafe yesterday if I wasn't good enough at controlling those damned water, has anyone told you? I was sorry to see her cry AND FUCK I FELT GUILT, but as always these two voices inside kept on contradict each other and one of them kept on screaming something like "Now why should I feel guiltyyyy?"

And there's also this other friend--trying to act as mediator, he kept talking and kept talking and kept talking and I was like "Hey man shut the hell up like you know whether I was prepared to talk about this with her or not," and I did verbalize that to him but his tongue just kept on going on and on and on, God! I'm mad offended already, why make things worse? I mean I know he meant it in a good way, that he wanted to helped both me and my crying friend to solve things out and I did appreciate it but just... don't do it overly, will you?

Ah, I'm sorry for being so abstract here by not plainly telling what actually is going on. Since I'm in such emotion, I know all I write, however I try to soften it up, is gonna be harsh--I can be so cruel at times. I think it's no good, telling people what thing who does in a negative way. And I know I do use profanity words here but at least I'm not saying it to anyone. I fuck my feelings, not anyone.

And for you, you know who you are; I know you're sorry, I know you regret what you did, and now that you've apologise, I accept it. But that just doesn't cut it. I'm pretty disappointed you let other person saying lines you should've said instead of saying it by yourself. Come on girl, where's your guts? If there's one thing that can make things go back to usual, you know it will be your guts.

After that school's first break came. I couldn't wait to see my boyfriend, I emotionally needed to talk to him like so much but all I know was that he was about to took off the first second he arrived at my class. Okay, another emotion crack. Then I asked him what date is it, he said 1st April. Good, he forgot that this meant we've been together for full 14 months now. Again, another emotion crack. He said sorry (once?) and I was still pissed, it's not just about him.

Yet he's the one who made the tiny fun part of this horrible day so...

He cracked up jokes and made me laugh after I tried my best to curve a smile (read:comprehend my ego) Yeah I laughed cause you know what he was like sooo funny even when I'm mad at him but up till now he still says nothing about that month thingy. Is that unimportant? For me it's important. I'll deal with it that he forgot, but if he really says nothing at all till I go to bed, I know I'll be irritated.

When my mom came home at around seven, she asked me about whether I've watered the garden or not. Shit of course I forgot that she asked me to do that this very early morning. Unsincerely I walked to my garden and started the faucet but the water discharge was so dull it's hard to reach far with it. When I tried to go deeper in the garden A FROG APPROACHED ME. Hell why would there be A FROG in my garden?! *^@)&*@-+$*%!!!

Honestly, at the moment until this second I can hear my heart pounding out of anger, hatred, irritation, wrath, whatever, you name it.

God o mighty God, why all these annoying moments had to happen all in a day? I know, things could go far worse but now I'm non-physically so exhausted. I'm so angry I could cry.

Sorry for the Oh-so-long-and-full-of-rant post, please understand that I'm having a horribly rough day. And if you're reading, thank you.

Quandary

nunu_nfl is not the best at forgiving (@Plurk.com, 7:06 PM)

...And now I don't know where to start. Oh my God I'm so dull I even doubt my right to feel something at times!

FYI it's been quite long since the last time I'm really pissed i scream out swears. And that today it happened, i feel somehow losing grip. It's like, somewhere inside i say "I shouldn't be this mad," but my other part of heart can't stop calling names and keeps on refusing to forgive.

I mean, I do want to forgive, to say "It's okay, we're through that," and to smile at the same time, but... I don't knowwww, it's just hard to let go.

It's always like this, I get seriously pissed rather rarely but It's hard for me to forgive and forget once it happens. I'm overly dramatic at times, perhaps. I don't know, I don't think. Eh, what?

Oh whatever.

I Prefer Midterm Test Week

I'm really not in the mood to go back to my usual daily life, which is tomorrow. I feel empty, like having no event to look forward to, like I can't see the finish line, like... well, empty.

Last Saturday I've done my final oral test at my English course, which I've been looking forward to since the first time I applied for the course. Yet oddly I don't really feel happy about this. Uh I mean, it's good to be free every Saturday from now on (hopefully, if I passed the final test) but the thought of losing my class there doesn't really amuse me. Somehow it even made me feel emptier.

I don't know, is it just me being too sentimental or what, whatever but I don't like this kind of feeling. I hope I'll be over this soon

It Was Dramatic

Before today, it's been quite a while since the last time I really cry because of my feelings.

There was a moment when I thought crying feels good, like giving a break to yourself and letting all insecurities out. That was when I cry zero time, and maybe that's why I thought it's good, cause I didn't really know anything about crying. I don't know, I am weird.

Just a short moment ago, crying started to be a big deal for me. I don't want to cry over small things, I don't want anyone whoever that is get used to the scene of me crying, I hate to cry when it's not just myself to see and hear me sobbing. Moreover because crying is really exhausting and if at last I sleep after I cried, I will have this terrible headache and swollen eyes once I wake up.

Yet that's what happened today. And now my head hurts. My eyes too.

At the moment things are at ease. They're okay.
Oh well... But when it comes to me that's yet to be a yes.

Dana International

Saat saya sedang asik menyelami dan mencoba memahami fungsi dan struktur ginjal, terjadilah percakapan singkat berkat majunya dan murahnya teknologi zaman sekarang....

A : ANJING DANA INTERNASIONAL LOVE BOY KEREN BANGET VIDIOX*
B : SETUJU BANGET GUE NYETT WAW WAW
A : MUSAAANG SI MEKANIK MOBIL PINK DADANYA MAJU DAN BERBELAH!
B : RAKUUUN GILA MEN ITU HASIL KE GYM TIAP HARI HINGGA AKU TAK PERLU MEMPERTANYAKAN INTEGRITASNYA
A : KUSKUS FILIPINA! BREAST IMPLANT DANA MENUA, ITU PENYEBAB PAYUDARANYA BERDISTANSI AGAK JAUH!
B : BABI HUTAAAAN GAPAPA DANA WA TETEP LOP YOU POKOKNYA
A : Lo HARUS masukin vidio love boy ke ipod lu!
B : UDAH TRENGGILING
A : MUTASI DNA SAPI JADI SAPI CAMPURAN MACAN, KEREN PISAN!
B : DOMBA DOLLY YAEYALAH WA GITULOH

Setelah itu, untuk beberapa alasan yang saya juga tak mengerti, struktur ginjal jadi terlihat begitu konyol.
Akhirnya saya berhenti belajar
...Bisakah kalian menebak siapa A dan B?
:--D

*Secara tertulis, X dapat dibaca menjadi -nya

But You've Lost Your Last Escape

"One, you are alone.
Two, for some unknown reasons your feelings lead you to pissing people off and though you've tried your hardest not to, you still do.
Three, the one that you hope will understand you the most has just turned you down. He is pissed, and it looks like no matter what your reason is, he will still be.
...Now, where would you run?"

What Went Wrong

On his way driving me home, suddenly I felt like bursting into tears. I don't know why. Everything was fine along the way right before we passed the flyover near my house. It was such a rush that I'm sure my face had gone really weird just to hold the tears so they wouldn't fall down. He was making a joke and I didn't have the strength to answer him let alone laugh about his joke.

That was when (perhaps) he realized something was wrong.

...And I wasn't ready for that. I hadn't catch up with my emotion yet, hence how can I answer his question about why my eye had watered up? My voice was trembling from what I heard, and it felt really hard just to speak several syllables cause i really felt like crying out loud. Taking that, so there were time when I answered him merely with silence.

He was upset, I know. He never likes it when I need and or want him to read what's on my brain. He wanted me to say, to tell him, what was wrong.

He stopped in front of my peach-painted house. And for the several time, asked me what was wrong. I said I don't know, I swear.

I was shivering.
What is this?

I was scared, I don't want him to be pissed with me acting this queer. I want him to be okay with not understanding what's happening, cause for real, neither was I. He looked at me with that sight, that unsatisfied sight. I asked him to smile, and he reluctantly did.

I hardly felt my head when I stepped out of his car. Seeing his car went by, I bit my lip. I knocked my door and got in my house. Again, I almost cry.

I didn't though, I tried my best not to.

P.S
I'm sorry I'm such a sucker expressionist, Clemmie.

The Way You Answer My Words

This morning I spent an hour rolling in my bed, sniffing my bolster, hugging my blanket, playing with my hair, while talking to my lover.

He kept on making fun of me. He refused to be my company for today. He didn't even notice that today is the first day of the new month. Yet we laugh a lot and actually that's what i needed the most.

I'm thankful for having someone to call when I need to ramble and talk about anything at all
Truth is, I was having an unpleasant Sunday morning
...right before I called you.

When Longing Meets Chemistry

As spoiled as it may sounds, the part i don't like the most about today is not seeing as much of him as I thought I would. The chemistry exam came as the second part, which most likely I'll have to take the remedy test of. It even generously gave me this odd headache I still feel at the moment.

You know, I have this, like, un-handle-able feeling of caring when it comes to physically ill and or sick person, which for some --sadly-- may appear somehow annoying. I don't know about you or anyone, but when I'm not feeling medically well I really want to be treated properly, especially by the ones i love.

I thought, well isn't that obvious? Well of course everybody does!
But, no. *shrug*

Now my hair smells like his car. It feels good to sniff it up a bit, reminds me of him in a queer way.


........D'uh now I sound like a freak, don't I?
Okay, whatever, I'll just go wash it.
See ya, don't wanna be ya~

Minggu

Hari minggu. Abis semesteran. So fucking boring. I'm supposed to have some fun and to blast off some revenge for those eight-day-of-hardwork, aren't I?
Yeh, I thought I'll do something entertaining today.
Yet, nop.

If you want to have some fun, who come across your mind first?
Obviously the person you feel closest to, right?
I mean, right?

I have my days and or plans wrecked lots of times.
It sssssuck.



...How's your Sunday?

Mimpi Buruk

Kalau kubilang butuh,
Apa kau mengerti?
Makna butuh buatku
Jauh lebih dalam dari yang kau kira
Makna butuh buatku
Jangan kau samakan
Dengan milik orang lain
Karena aku tidak sama
Dan tidak akan pernah sama

Tapi biar apapun kau kata
Ironisnya aku tetap butuh,
Butuh kau untuk penuhi butuhku
Kalau kaupun tidak bisa,
Siapa lagi yang mungkin kuharap?

Kosong?

Kalau kuucap kecewa,
Kau marah?
Apa daya sih?
Aku bingung
Mau gila

Siapa yang peduli?

26/10/2008; 9:13 PM
NFL-

While Bed's Calling.....

You know,
There are few people, very few people
That you should not ever treat wrong

It takes a lot to know the names
Since at this point,
Mistakes have a pretty great chance to be made
For those, you may have your world falling apart

Yet don't you forget the plunder
For you may also name them true
Even if the chances are as slim as Nicole Richie

But don't you trapped in your quandary for far too long
Cause after all those are names of creatures
Them who have tears,
And heart

...Which may not be that good at handling thrust.

20/10/2008; 11:12 PM
-NFL