Quandary

nunu_nfl is not the best at forgiving (@Plurk.com, 7:06 PM)

...And now I don't know where to start. Oh my God I'm so dull I even doubt my right to feel something at times!

FYI it's been quite long since the last time I'm really pissed i scream out swears. And that today it happened, i feel somehow losing grip. It's like, somewhere inside i say "I shouldn't be this mad," but my other part of heart can't stop calling names and keeps on refusing to forgive.

I mean, I do want to forgive, to say "It's okay, we're through that," and to smile at the same time, but... I don't knowwww, it's just hard to let go.

It's always like this, I get seriously pissed rather rarely but It's hard for me to forgive and forget once it happens. I'm overly dramatic at times, perhaps. I don't know, I don't think. Eh, what?

Oh whatever.

A Paper I'll Always Keep

For some reasons still unclear to me, I always find blogs written by guys interesting. Whatever it is, seeing a guy actually write and express what he actually thinks or --if possible--feels never is something usual for me, not to mention reading it.

For some while until now, I have always dying to have my boyfriend writing something other than math and physics formulas or chemical reactions for me to read. Yeah, generally he only writes in front of me when we're solving science problems together. Well he's expressive in his own way, like, verbally, he's a thousand times more expressive compared to me.

The early days of us is another story. Some time in May 2008 he wrote me this poem he almost sent through mobile text, but thank God he was romantic enough at that time to finally write it on a piece of paper while we were together in the end :--D

...Oh well Clemmie it's okay if you don't like writing, I'm a big fan of your jokes anyways <3

I Prefer Midterm Test Week

I'm really not in the mood to go back to my usual daily life, which is tomorrow. I feel empty, like having no event to look forward to, like I can't see the finish line, like... well, empty.

Last Saturday I've done my final oral test at my English course, which I've been looking forward to since the first time I applied for the course. Yet oddly I don't really feel happy about this. Uh I mean, it's good to be free every Saturday from now on (hopefully, if I passed the final test) but the thought of losing my class there doesn't really amuse me. Somehow it even made me feel emptier.

I don't know, is it just me being too sentimental or what, whatever but I don't like this kind of feeling. I hope I'll be over this soon

It Was Dramatic

Before today, it's been quite a while since the last time I really cry because of my feelings.

There was a moment when I thought crying feels good, like giving a break to yourself and letting all insecurities out. That was when I cry zero time, and maybe that's why I thought it's good, cause I didn't really know anything about crying. I don't know, I am weird.

Just a short moment ago, crying started to be a big deal for me. I don't want to cry over small things, I don't want anyone whoever that is get used to the scene of me crying, I hate to cry when it's not just myself to see and hear me sobbing. Moreover because crying is really exhausting and if at last I sleep after I cried, I will have this terrible headache and swollen eyes once I wake up.

Yet that's what happened today. And now my head hurts. My eyes too.

At the moment things are at ease. They're okay.
Oh well... But when it comes to me that's yet to be a yes.

Whose Birthday Is It?

you-know-who.

So. His friends and I were waiting for him for like an hour and all of a sudden he showed up when the candle on his cake hasn't even been lighted up! So he ended up ruining the birthday plan, and surprising us instead of being surprised.

Well truth is... I told him I was waiting for him by myself, so he came as soon as he could and that's when he found out that actually around two dozens of people are waiting with me. He kept on blaming and laughing at me on our way home so I smeared some more cheese cream on his chin and sideburns, haha!

It's the second time for me to be the one who carries the birthday cake for him. Though the surprise plan went unexpectedly wrong, I still think it's a great day :--)

Thank you for everybody involved, you've just made my (and hopefully his) day! :--D

Happy Birthday Clemmie~

Things As Simple As This

On the way, after school. He drove me home.

N : ...Kapan ya aku yang nyetirin kamu?
M : Hm?
N : Iya, aku yang nyetir, kamu yang duduk di sini.
M : (Senyum) Nanti, kalo udah tua.

I don't know whether he really realised the meaning of his words the way I did, or whether he meant it the way I think he did, or whatever, but that moment I know I smiled.

My Yearbook Committee Photoshoot

Some of us


....My arm looks weird


Dead cars are kool


Thito Fais Mayang Naila Torik Nunu Al


My Favourite Shot!


This is me, smiling at you

Taken Saturday, 14/3/2009
Photos from Torik Danumaya, toned by Torik Danumaya
Except the last photo, from Fahdiana Liestya, toned by me

My Kind Of Memory-To-Die-For :--)

Now everybody's gone, you picked me up for a long drive
We take the tourist route the nights are light until midnight
We took the evening ferry over to the peninsula
We found the avenue of trees went up to the hill
That crazy avenue of trees, I'm living there still

Another Sunny Day by Belle & Sebastian

Shortest Fairest Moment

Several days ago, out of nowhere, I asked Mbe to catch me a second before I started to run towards him. When the distance was close enough, I pushed my toe against the ground and jumped loosely at him. The next second I realised that my nose didn't hit the ground, and that his arms were merrily wrapped around me.

He caught me.
And it felt blissfully wonderful.

My True Self?

Your view on yourself Other people find you very interesting, but you are really hiding your true self. Your friends love you because you are a good listener. They'll probably still love you if you learn to be yourself with them.

The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for You are not looking merely for a girl/boyfriend - you are looking for your life partner. Perhaps you should be more open-minded about who you spend time with. The person you are looking for might hide their charm under their exterior.

Your readiness to commit to a relationship You are ready to commit as soon as you meet the right person. And you believe you will pretty much know as soon as you might that person.

The seriousness of your love Your have very sensible tactics when approaching the opposite sex. In many ways people find your straightforwardness attractive, so you will find yourself with plenty of dates.

Your views on education Education is very important in life. You want to study hard and learn as much as you can.

The right job for you You have plenty of dream jobs but have little chance of doing any of them if you don't focus on something in particular. You need to choose something and go for it to be happy and achieve success.

How do you view success You are afraid of failure and scared to have a go at the career you would like to have in case you don't succeed. Don't give up when you haven't yet even started! Be courageous.

What are you most afraid of You are afraid of having no one to rely on in times of trouble. You don't ever want to be unable to take care of yourself. Independence is important to you.

Who is your true self You are mature, reasonable, honest and give good advice. People ask for your comments on all sorts of different issues. Sometimes you might find yourself in a dilemma when trapped with a problem, which your heart rather than your head needs to solve.

I sometimes hate it when test results appear to be pretty precise. A bit creepy :--/ Anyways give it a go! (Link from my fellow bloggers)

Dana International

Saat saya sedang asik menyelami dan mencoba memahami fungsi dan struktur ginjal, terjadilah percakapan singkat berkat majunya dan murahnya teknologi zaman sekarang....

A : ANJING DANA INTERNASIONAL LOVE BOY KEREN BANGET VIDIOX*
B : SETUJU BANGET GUE NYETT WAW WAW
A : MUSAAANG SI MEKANIK MOBIL PINK DADANYA MAJU DAN BERBELAH!
B : RAKUUUN GILA MEN ITU HASIL KE GYM TIAP HARI HINGGA AKU TAK PERLU MEMPERTANYAKAN INTEGRITASNYA
A : KUSKUS FILIPINA! BREAST IMPLANT DANA MENUA, ITU PENYEBAB PAYUDARANYA BERDISTANSI AGAK JAUH!
B : BABI HUTAAAAN GAPAPA DANA WA TETEP LOP YOU POKOKNYA
A : Lo HARUS masukin vidio love boy ke ipod lu!
B : UDAH TRENGGILING
A : MUTASI DNA SAPI JADI SAPI CAMPURAN MACAN, KEREN PISAN!
B : DOMBA DOLLY YAEYALAH WA GITULOH

Setelah itu, untuk beberapa alasan yang saya juga tak mengerti, struktur ginjal jadi terlihat begitu konyol.
Akhirnya saya berhenti belajar
...Bisakah kalian menebak siapa A dan B?
:--D

*Secara tertulis, X dapat dibaca menjadi -nya

He Went Back at Two Thirty

Today he came to visit me as how I wished him to
...without even taking a bath first
Oh whatever Clemmie, you're still adorable

Maze of A Lover

"Have you faith for me?
Have you trust,
For me to dissolve to dust?
Swirl it fast
Create one that will last
So I can touch the bliss
Every time you tell me you miss
For I'm vulnerable
The one that still walks the shambles
But I'm in love
With you, you as the whole loaf
As for if you don't
Perhaps I'll mourn
But you do
Hence I started my miles
While spreading these arms as wide as
Just so I can put them all around
Once at last I bump into you"

But You've Lost Your Last Escape

"One, you are alone.
Two, for some unknown reasons your feelings lead you to pissing people off and though you've tried your hardest not to, you still do.
Three, the one that you hope will understand you the most has just turned you down. He is pissed, and it looks like no matter what your reason is, he will still be.
...Now, where would you run?"

Better Together

There's no combination of words I could put on the back of a postcard
No song that I could sing but I can try for your heart
Our dreams, and they are made out of real things
Like a shoebox of photographs with sepia tone loving

Love is the answer at least for most of the questions in my heart
Like, why are we here?
And where do we go?
And how come it's so hard?
It's not always easy and sometimes life can be deceiving
I'll tell you one thing, it's always better when we're together

Mmm, it's always better when we're together
Yeah, we'll look at the stars when we're together
Well, it's always better when we're together
Yeah, it's always better when we're together

And all of these moments just might find their way into my dreams tonight
But I know that they'll be gone when the morning light sings and brings new things
But tomorrow night you see that they'll be gone too
Too many things I have to do
But if all of these dreams might find their way into my day to day scene
I'll be under the impression I was somewhere in-between
With only two, just me and you
Not so many things we got to do or places we got to be
We'll sit beneath the mango tree now

Yeah, it's always better when we're together
Mmm, We're somewhere in-between together
Well, it's always better when we're together
Yeah, it's always better when we're together

I believe in memories
They look so, so pretty when I sleep
Hey now, and when, and when I wake up,
You look so pretty sleeping next to me
But there is not enough time,
And there is no, no song I could sing
And there is no combination of words I could say
But I will still tell you one thing,
We're better together...

-Jack Johnson

What Went Wrong

On his way driving me home, suddenly I felt like bursting into tears. I don't know why. Everything was fine along the way right before we passed the flyover near my house. It was such a rush that I'm sure my face had gone really weird just to hold the tears so they wouldn't fall down. He was making a joke and I didn't have the strength to answer him let alone laugh about his joke.

That was when (perhaps) he realized something was wrong.

...And I wasn't ready for that. I hadn't catch up with my emotion yet, hence how can I answer his question about why my eye had watered up? My voice was trembling from what I heard, and it felt really hard just to speak several syllables cause i really felt like crying out loud. Taking that, so there were time when I answered him merely with silence.

He was upset, I know. He never likes it when I need and or want him to read what's on my brain. He wanted me to say, to tell him, what was wrong.

He stopped in front of my peach-painted house. And for the several time, asked me what was wrong. I said I don't know, I swear.

I was shivering.
What is this?

I was scared, I don't want him to be pissed with me acting this queer. I want him to be okay with not understanding what's happening, cause for real, neither was I. He looked at me with that sight, that unsatisfied sight. I asked him to smile, and he reluctantly did.

I hardly felt my head when I stepped out of his car. Seeing his car went by, I bit my lip. I knocked my door and got in my house. Again, I almost cry.

I didn't though, I tried my best not to.

P.S
I'm sorry I'm such a sucker expressionist, Clemmie.

The Moment I Broke Down

"Please, Sweetheart, don't ask me what's wrong.
I don't know, I don't know. My tears fall on their own..."

My First Album, Ehm

THE RULES

1. Click http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Special:Random. The title of the first random article is the name of your band
2. Click http://www.quotationspage.com/random.php3. Four or five last words of the last quotation on this page is the title of your album
3. Click http://www.flickr.com/explore/interesting/7days. The third picture on the first row is the cover of your album
4. Use Photoshop or any other programs to combine them all
5. Post it wherever you want to and tag people so you can have some fun!

Sooo, this one is mine;

Looks pretty much like indie's, eh?

Oh and, I tag no one so feel free to do this whoever you are
Have a nice day!

The Way You Answer My Words

This morning I spent an hour rolling in my bed, sniffing my bolster, hugging my blanket, playing with my hair, while talking to my lover.

He kept on making fun of me. He refused to be my company for today. He didn't even notice that today is the first day of the new month. Yet we laugh a lot and actually that's what i needed the most.

I'm thankful for having someone to call when I need to ramble and talk about anything at all
Truth is, I was having an unpleasant Sunday morning
...right before I called you.